why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
