She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
