Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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