i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
