Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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