New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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