you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
