The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
