You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
