A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
