one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
