you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
