U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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