My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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