At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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