i would punch a child for taco bell
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
