I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
