I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
this just has baby written all over it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
