I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
