we're chasing vodka with high fives
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
