I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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