He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
