well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
