I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
