god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
