I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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