paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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