I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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