this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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