Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
