Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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