Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
