Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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