Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
