guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
