The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
