its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
not ubering you a puppy
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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