dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
