I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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