At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
