Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
