Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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