90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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