If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
