Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
