I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
