just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
