It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
