All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have fence marks all over my body
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
