My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You are a genius and a whore.
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