Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
