I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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